Learning how to say no is one of the most useful skills you can develop I found, especially when it comes to living a more productive and healthy life.
Saying no to unnecessary commitments can give you the time you need to recover and rejuvenate. Saying no to daily distractions can give you the space you need to focus on what is important to you. And saying no to temptation can help you stay on track and achieve your health goals. In fact not being able to say no, is one of the most biggest downfalls that successful entrepreneurs claim as their own key mistakes.
But how do we actually get past the urgencies of everyday life and avoid distraction, so that we can focus the things that are really important to us?
It seems like a big task, I wholeheartedly agree. And yet, research is starting to show that even small changes can make a significant impact for a better way of saying no. In fact, hereâs one change you can make right now that will make it easier for you to say no, resist temptation and improve your productivity and your health:
How to Say No: Research Reveals the Best Way
In a research study published in the Journal of Consumer Research, 120 students were split into two different groups.
The difference between these two groups was saying âI canâtâ compared to âI donât.â
One group was told that each time they were faced with a temptation, they would tell themselves âI canât do X.â For example, when tempted with ice cream, they would say, âI canât eat ice cream.â
When the second group was faced with a temptation, they were told to say âI donât do X.â For example, when tempted with ice cream, they would say, âI donât eat ice cream.â
After repeating these phrases, each student answered a set of questions unrelated to the study. Once they finished answering their questions, the students went to hand in their answer sheet, thinking that the study was over. In reality, it was just beginning.
As each student walked out of the room and handed in their answer sheet, they were offered a complimentary treat. The student could choose between a chocolate candy bar or a granola health bar. As the student walked away, the researcher would mark their snack choice on the answer sheet.
Hereâs what happened:
The students who told themselves âI canât eat Xâ chose to eat the chocolate candy bar 61% of the time. Meanwhile, the students who told themselves âI donât eat Xâ chose to eat the chocolate candy bars only 36% of the time. This simple change in terminology significantly improved the odds that each person would make a more healthy food choice.
Makes sense right? Now the findings didnât stop there, here is what happened next:
How the âRight Wordsâ Make It Easier to Say No
The same researchers were also interested in how the words âcanâtâ and âdonâtâ affect our willingness to say no when faced with repeated temptations and distractions. After all, most of us can turn down a candy bar once, but eventually we slip up. Similarly, you might be able to focus on your work when youâre pressed for time, but what about avoiding unproductive behaviors on a daily basis?
In other words, is there a way to say no that makes it more likely that weâll stick to good habits and avoid bad ones? You bet!
The researchers designed a new study by asking 30 working women to sign up for a âhealth and wellness seminar.â All of the women were told to think of a longâterm health and wellness goal that was important to them. Then, the researchers split the women into three groups of 10.
Group 1 was told that anytime they felt tempted to lapse on their goals they should âjust say no.âThis group was the control group because they were given no specific strategy.
Group 2 was told that anytime they felt tempted to lapse on their goals, they should implement the âcanâtâ strategy. For example, âI canât miss my workout today.â
Group 3 was told that anytime they felt tempted to lapse on their goals, they should implement the âdonâtâ strategy. For example, âI donât miss workouts.â
For the next 10 days, each woman received an email asking to report her progress. They were specifically told, âDuring the 10âday window you will receive emails to remind you to use the strategy and to report instances in which it worked or did not work. If the strategy is not working for you, just drop us a line and say so and you can stop responding to the emails.â
Hereâs what the results looked like 10 days laterâŠ
- Group 1 (the âjust say noâ group) had 3 out of 10 members who persisted with their goals for the entire 10 days.
- Group 2 (the âcanâtâ group) had 1 out of 10 members who persisted with her goal for the entire 10 days.
- Group 3 (the âdonâtâ group) had an incredible 8 out of 10 members who persisted with their goals for the entire 10 days.
The words that you use not only help you to make better choices on an individual basis, but also make it easier to stay on track with your longâterm goals.
Why âI Donâtâ Works Better Than âI Canâtâ
Your words help to frame your sense of empowerment and control. Furthermore, the words that you use create a feedback loop in your brain that impacts your future behaviors.
For example, every time you tell yourself âI canâtâ, youâre creating a feedback loop that is a reminder of your limitations. This terminology indicates that youâre forcing yourself to do something you donât want to do.
In comparison, when you tell yourself âI donâtâ, youâre creating a feedback loop that reminds you of your control and power over the situation. Itâs a phrase that can propel you towards breaking your bad habits and following your good ones.
Heidi Grant Halvorson is the director of the Motivation Science Center at Columbia University. Hereâs how she explains the difference between saying âI donâtâ compared to âI canâtâ:
âI donâtâ is experienced as a choice, so it feels empowering. Itâs an affirmation of your determination and willpower. âI canâtâ isnât a choice. Itâs a restriction, itâs being imposed upon you. So thinking âI canâtâ undermines your sense of power and personal agency.
In other words, the phrase âI donâtâ is a psychologically empowering way to say no, while the phrase âI canâtâ is a psychologically draining way to say no.
How You Can Apply This To Your Life
One can have no smaller or greater mastery than mastery of oneself.
âLeonardo Da Vinci
There are situations everyday when you need to say no to something. For example, the waiter who offers you a dessert menu⊠or the urge to skip a workout and stay home⊠or the distracting call of texts, tweets, and updates when you should be focusing on something important.
Individually, our responses to these little choices seem insignificant, which is why we donât make a big deal about telling ourselves that we âcanâtâ do something. But imagine the cumulative effect ofchoosing more empowering words on a consistent basis.
âI canâtâ and âI donâtâ are words that seem similar and we often interchange them for one another, but psychologically they can provide very different feedback and, ultimately, result in very different actions. They arenât just words and phrases. They are affirmations of what you believe, reasons for why you do what you do, and reminders of where you want to go.
The ability to overcome temptation and effectively say no is critical not only to your physical health, but also for your daily productivity and mental health.
To put it simply:Â you can either be the victim of your words or the architect of them. Which one would you prefer?
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About the Author: James Clear is an entrepreneur, weightlifter, and travel photographer in 18 countries. He writes at JamesClear.com, where he uses proven research and real-world experiences to share practical ideas for living a healthy life. You can get new strategies for sticking to healthy habits, losing weight, gaining muscle, and more by joining his free newsletter.